Sigh….I find myself up late once again. I have a feeling it’s not so good to blog late at night, especially on this topic. But, I feel like I need to say something-perhaps especially because I haven’t said anything on this blog in a while. I’ll keep it simple: the topic of my rant/venting is communication. Yes, that’s what the title of this post is, for all those who can’t read Japanese. I might tell you why I decided to title it in such a unique way if you keep reading.
Lately, I’ve been feeling very let down by people who are not communicating with me. Now, I can see that this is a very trite, blatant and perhaps too honest of a way to begin this post. And let me tell you-if you’re reading this, and you’re feeling guilty because you feel you haven’t talked to me in a while or something, then please reconsider that. You’re going to make me feel guilty for putting you on a guilt trip. My feeling from the lack of communication is not from, let’s say people on Facebook who I haven’t talked to in years. That’s what happens, and I don’t think they’re bothered by it. I’ve only had a handful of people unfriend me (Yes, unfriend is a word-it happens to be the millionth word to enter the English language…), and I am not going to unfriend half my friends after I am finished writing this post. No, that’s not what this is about. In fact, if you even think to write a comment saying anything apologetic about a lack of communication with me, I respect that you feel that way-but that’s still not what this is about.
I’m talking about those with whom I have very overtly tried to contact. Perhaps I am simply misperceiving my concern, but I do think that most people see new e-mails and have to choose to ignore them. Maybe I am wrong. I happen to check my e-mails 4 times a day. It’s a fact. And I am so delighted when I actually hear back from someone via e-mail. Literally 99% of my e-mails are logistical, or advertising from airlines. While I need the logistical stuff, I could usually do without the ads-I only keep the subscriptions to them for the off-chance that they offer some really good deal. But realizing the extent to which in the past month, let alone the past week, I have expected some form of communication back from people, I have found myself extremely disappointed with the results-no response.
Perhaps what bothered me more than not hearing back from friends with whom I have tried to contact is actual companies that I’ve contacted for logistical matters. One in particular that I won’t mention now (or perhaps ever) has really gotten on my nerves. It’s hard to be served when customer service hasn’t responded. I was told through an automated response that I would recieve a response within 2 hours. I think, conservatively, it’s been 36. Wow. It’s one thing for a friend not to respond-when they do, I can understand the reason of being busy-we all are. It’s another thing when a company cannot respond to a paying customer’s concerns.
A company not responding might be the worst of it, but it has reminded me of others who haven’t responded. It would look quite pitiful to make this post as a plea to those people to talk to me. But I can’t help but saying that I think all humans desire relationship. I am not excluded from this. I am having trouble enough keeping in touch with people in Ohio especially because I go to school in Hawaii. Somehow that’s okay-it’s just normal because everyone in some sense goes away to college. I see so few of my high school friends, but that’s just what they were-friends from high school. I was so glad I was able to see one of them, if even for just 4 minutes or so a week back.
I have deemed some friends, though, as closer to me than others. And that is my problem, to be sure. Is there any real human way to recieve an assessment from another of how close they are to you? Can I have them rate their relationship with me on a scale of 1-10? I don’t think life works that way. Is it wrong for me to want to have a relationship with someone who I would safely say is ignoring me? Am I pursuing too much? Relationship has to be both ways; maybe it’s a sign, then, that if they are not pursuing me in any perceivable way, that I do need to move on.
But how do I move on? I feel like I love them, in whatever way love can apply to a non-romantic, non-familial relationship. Have I then given too much of my own heart away to someone who may not feel the same way about me? As the line goes from the upcoming movie, “When Five Fell”, “Can the things we love love us back just the same?” Looking back at these past few sentences makes me feel like I have turned this blog post into more of a diary entry than anything. This is the kind of post I may look back months from now and realize something different about the unnamed individuals who are in my mind as I write this post. Maybe I can get answers to some or all of these questions.
One thing I know for sure-the human heart is deceitful, and wicked. While the Bible talks about this in more of a context of not trusting our instincts, when it comes to possible sinful desires, perhaps we don’t know how deep this wickedness goes. This post may seem offensive to some; my rant/venting on this topic may seem all too good for my heart. My grieving may seem fine; natural, even. But that is the very thing that is dangerous. What can I do with this real feeling of rejection except give it to God? Because no further ranting will solve it. No empty philosophy will get rid of it. It is then quite a blessing that I know that I am not rejected by God Himself. So, as I struggle with this ‘earthly’ matter, I know God is watching over this situation in its entirety.
What can we do as humans to fix this problem that is inevitably happening to thousands more people around the world? In a world with technology that I would consider very capable of extremely reliable forms of communication with people, I find myself very disappointed by the lack of its usage. It doesn’t matter how good the technology becomes to be able to talk to someone-it will never inspire people to talk, and perhaps more important, to listen. Because the sheer fact that this blog post is out on the Internet doesn’t assure that it will be read. I will not be heard by many humans. But there is a great comfort in knowing that this half hour or so that I’ve spent typing this will not be in vain. The content itself might be hurtful. And for that, I do apologize; such is the nature of ranting, being that of direct negativity towards something or someone. I pray that this not be the case.
If there is no God, then there is no afterlife, and so it would seem to me anything I write here would be utterly meaningless. I think the only thing that gives meaning to anyone’s grievances is that there is hope. God has given us hope for salvation, mostly from ourselves and God, but also from the pain that others cause. I can’t be assured of ‘success’ in these relationships-whatever that would even look like at this point. Humans will let you down. There is no way around it. We create systems to work, but we also tear it apart. The very fabrics of society only exist because somewhere along the line someone did something good. We could not do it-our hearts are too wicked to create something sustainable. That is why things fall apart for us. We can’t possibly keep things together; as much as we ourselves don’t make water boil at 100 degress Celsius, or things fall at 9.8 meters per second squared. There has to be something maintaining any form of balance, whether physical or emotional, out there.
If my problems are of concern to a being who, in all sense of the phrase, couldn’t care less about these issues, then that being deserves worship. So if the God of the universe not only stepped into this world to save it, but died to save it, and then proceeded to have a relationship with those who would have one with him, I need to take notice. This is something so real, yet surreal. To me, receiving a response from anyone with whom I have e-mailed makes my day. Again, I essentially get 99% crap that will die with me, and then mean nothing. I would argue messages don’t mean anything unless they are recieved. An ad for a great deal on my next flight means nothing if nobody knows about it. And for me, that means nothing when I am dead. But the relationships I was able to maintain mean something. To know that my relationship with God is, in perhaps a literal sense, not going anywhere is so alleviating. To know I can always get a response from the living God is wonderful. When I pray for something as trite as God to help me maintain friendships, I feel sinful. This whole rant feels bad. Maybe it is. But I know God cares about it, however selfish or sinful of an ambition it might be to just want friends.
I want to be loved. And I want to know that I am loved.